Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize