His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
