if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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