the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
