not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
