He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
