I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Randomize
