Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
