FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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