I am puke
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
