Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
