Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
