Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
