I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You ruined the universe
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
