Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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