dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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