I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You need Xanax blowdarts
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
