I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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