there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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