Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
