Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
