You work out of a Hotel?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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