I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
