dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
