just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We left the knife in your bed.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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