When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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