You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
