i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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