did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
