I'm gonna have a badass scar
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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