In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
