My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
