I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
