The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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