I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize