last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
