I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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