note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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