when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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