so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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