I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
