the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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