You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
