Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
