I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize