3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
