y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
