these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
