Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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