After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
