I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
