So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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