I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
