so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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