I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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