my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
