I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
